I have been working on revamping the blog. After returning, I set my intentions to refine it just a tad and set myself a writing plan to improve my consistency. You also may now notice a domain name change (because I’m bad with names), a new layout, and now new content being introduced to make things a tad more coherent and, hopefully, beneficial to my small group of supporters. Thank you all so much by the way! I know not many people comment on personal blogs now , me included (trying to get better) but I do appreciate you all sending me a little blip of a ‘like’ button to let me know that you not only read it, but enjoyed it enough to let me know! It gives me that extra push to keep going and investing time in writing and sharing my story. Not only does writing a blog help me out mentally, but there are others out there who have been reading, liking, and subscribing during my pretty much half a year hiatus so, I’m here to tell you all it is sincerely appreciated.
I have been writing personal blogs for years now and tended to always delete them once they became “too popular”. However this time around it is very different. I feel at the ripe old age of 26 I am coming to a point where I truly want to come into my own and grow, internally, in a way that is spectacular. What happened all of the other times I quit writing was very destructive in terms of my own personal mental health. Let’s, be real, therapists are expensive and as a kid (I was 16 when I started blogging) I didn’t know when I needed “help” and as an adult and knowing that I do need help and how to find the type of help that will be beneficial to me, I now notice that the people around me don’t tend to take it seriously. It’s as if poor mental health and suffering is what being human is all about and you just deal with it. These kind’s of attitudes can make those with mental illnesses feel even more alone, belittled, and frankly afraid of living life in certain states of mind. When the request for help HAS BEEN expressed, has been heard, yet in the end this need is ignored or pushed off to the side by the people who are considered to be ones support system, it does nothing more but to allow ones inner demons to continue to manifest as well as other mental illnesses to develop and spiral out from under it.
The way I see myself on the inside is far different from what I feel I vibrate to others. Half the time on the inside I feel like a beautiful amazing actress or cooking show host, and writer living in a Hawaiian forest leading a very peaceful, very stress free life. Happy running on the sand with a family I’m growing. Wise beyond my years, and confident in all of who I am. Confident in my abilities to succeed in all areas that count like partnership and motherhood and the ability to grow a business and step outside of my shell without fearing embarrassment or shame. I feel, on the inside, child-like and limitless in my curiosity. I accept joy and welcome it and CREATE it.
And then there are the other times where I am struck with how vastly different my life has been versus the way I wanted to be and wanted to feel.
WANT to feel.
And this side of me is very much so in constant emotional turmoil that rarely manifests on the outside. My mind turns into this angry old narcissistic, self-obsessed creep that brings up the same bad thoughts over and over again throughout the day and magnifies them so loudly that I start to feel it in my reality. I begin to accept them as my reality because if it isn’t real then why is it there? It’s a valid question to ask myself. It has to be real.
While it’s not my current reality, these thoughts are still very real and they come from somewhere which, in my case, is my past. My childhood and how I have grown up until now. The way I’m trying to adjust my view of the world and reality for what it is and how abundant life can be ….from the way I was raised to see the world and possibility (or lack thereof). Trying to change my state of mind from lack to having, and ability, and potential. My self-doubt and easy discouragement comes from the way I would internalize criticisms and the feelings of others towards me or towards my work. I remember I once deleted a very successful blog because the people in my life who were affecting me negatively found it, saw themselves, and discouraged me from continuing. I was not free to express myself in any form without repercussion in my real life and real relationships so I let it go even though I needed it. That was the upper limit for me.
Here in my mid-twenties I see that I do care about myself more than I thought. I see that I need help even if it is me helping myself. My mental space has become so important to me that I am willing to accept whatever comes in my search for clarity. I want to grow into the woman I want to be and feel that I am and to not be so fearful of letting who I feel I am on the inside radiate outward.
I want to teach myself that the opinions of others are not my problem. That I don’t have to fit into a mold. That I can be whoever it is I feel that I am even though it does not attach itself to one specific path or model. My self is multifaceted, outrageous, bold, and timid. My self is wild and shy and incredible! Artistic and humble and confident and full of love and adventure.
I just want to be myself unapologetically and attain a clear mind and destress my entire mental space. No one ever tells you how to succeed in this and it seems like a very long road that I am more than willing to take. So I am introducing Mental Health Wednesdays to GirlWalkstheEarth.com as a way to hopefully educate others, Inspire, and clear out some of my own mental clutter.
I hope that you all continue to support, read along, and enjoy everything that is to come to this blog! My mind has been over run with ideas as of late and for that, I am very grateful.
It’s great to be back.