I managed to escape my own energy this weekend and came to a nice little spot I’d like to call My Mothers House where there is never anything for me to eat and plenty of peace and sunlight. I’m on my way out for some vegetarian grub (only veg head in my family which is only point one.
Before the post, I’d like to invite you all to connect with me if you would like. I began an instagram account (@od.nicole) and a twitter (@odnicole_). I did this yesterday I believe lol.
Theres something about social media and the internet that is just so noisy and full of shit lately that it becomes overwhelming but I believe I have found a balance that will keep me both engaged in my own social media projects I can share what I produce with both myself & the world, yet distant enough to be able to stay very present in my own life moments at all times as they are very important to me.
I also enjoy life a lot more when a screen isn’t in front of my face.
Being what feels like the black sheep of my family growing up has not been easy. Being so vastly different from everyone surrounding me from my mother, my brother, my entire environment kept me quite lonely as these were the people and communities raising me. I became very uncomfortable speaking, comfortable expressing my hopes and wishes for fear that I will ultimately be torn down and those dreams will go unsupported and crushed which they were. My dreams lay dead for most of my young life because I was not able to see until recent years that I was in control of who I can become and in the pilot seat of the life I want to live
And I want to create a peaceful life for myself.
This peaceful life is vastly different from the life I was born into. Vastly different from the environments and horrific acts and trauma scenes I have witnessed and fell victim to.
From a young age I was able to fully comprehend my surroundings and consciously make choices as to who I wanted to be in this world even before I was able to go to a school and be around other kids from different backgrounds. I knew that that place of lack that I was born into, the dangerous community I was raised in went against who I felt I was and what I knew I wanted from this world. As an adult and with my life in my own hands, I feel much more free. Adulthood , I’ve seen does not come with age. It comes with that confidence which abolishes all fear that you can not rise on your own.
For me, rising on my own throughout my life did more than give me confidence and strength. It was also coupled with lots of loneliness and the idea that life was supposed to be lonely. After all to this day it has been hard to find others like me whom I can be friendly with, right?
Actually, I’m not sure how accurate this is.
In reality I believe constantly rising on my own caused a great difficulty for me in deciding when and where I am wanted. Who genuinely wants me as a friend to them and who does not. It’s hard for me to build relationships with other people because I feel like in the end, it will just be me anyway taking care of myself so I don’t bother leaning on others or asking for help.
Today, I really don’t mind. Being physically disabled for a big chunk of the year showed me that I will at some points need people to lean on and it alerted me to who those people are. At least at this point in my life and none of the people I once tried to impress or seek approval from were there for me.
It was all a lie. All a waste of time. And this knowledge is freeing.
If you feel different, it probably because you ARE different. Be that! You are you for a damn reason.
Impressing people will only leave your true self blocked. Its freeing to be coming out of my sell and being who I actually am. Being unafraid to show it. To pursue it. To dream it and to live it.