It is two days post cayenne pepper incident which resulted in a 3 hour long pukefest by my boyfriend and my energy level is way low. I stayed up all night writing and keeping an eye on him. Luckily he didn’t begin foaming at the mouth while his eyes rolled to the back of his head like the other victims I googled.

The following day spilled over to today and my zombie-like systems haven’t subsided. My eyes have remained low and heavy and my body is extremely cold and dead.

My mind hit the discouragement button and has been riding that cycle like a mouse. I suffer from perfectionism as well as the “why me” and “why not me” destructive way of thought. My obsessive mind curbs my enthusiasm and lust for life. Interacting with other people long enough to order coffee becomes something I’d rather hire someone else to do for me.

This is what makes it so impossible for me to maintain relationships and forge new ones; I’m likely to be seen as standoffish.

Yesterday I could have died of carbon monoxide poisoning and it would have been ruled a suicide by whoever fought the case when my dead body was found. The real story is that I am anemic and living in an ice cold studio apartment with no working heater. In order to survive comfortably, I hang around the house in 4 layers of clothing while tucked under the covers. Sometimes I turn my oven on and open it up to warm my house. I ended up hitting the snooze button several times on the gas alarm when it rang so I could thaw out a little bit more.

It’s either death by monoxide or freeze to death. Don’t let them use my mental health against me.

Now I patiently wait for my Mexican Mocha to finally come hither from the coffee shop up the street in hopes it’ll be the perfect elixir to make me human again.


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