We Don’t Know Where We are Going, or Who We Will Be.

The rain is making everything feel refreshing and almost like winter. I”m witnessing myself become more and more introspective as I grow older and some times I see this as more of a curse than a blessing. I wish that I can get a little more OUT of my head than in, but perhaps that’s exactly where I need to be right now.

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I’ve been wishing for a long life. I use to fear growing old but now that I see myself at 26, I know how many different lives I’ve lived in this short one. I want to see how many others I can live and who else I will become. What other fears I can conquer.

I don’t always see myself as adventurous or brave despite my lifestyle. Often times my anxiety debilitates me and I turn down opportunities  and plans that are aligned with the dreams I have for my life. It’s a constant head battle but I would love to see a lifetime where it wasn’t so.

I had forgotten how important music is. I went these last two months without listening to music of any sort. Before making the move to LA, I spent 2 years listening to nothing other than country music. A genre I never would’ve predicted I would enjoy in previous lifetimes. I downloaded some anti-stress apps and sleep music. The kind where you can listen to birds chirping, with piano music in the background, a frog, and a vacuum cleaner buzzing in the distance (you can choose each overlay sound). This is another thing I never would’ve guessed I’d be doing.

Listening to my iTunes on shuffle this morning showed me every person I used to be, am, but doesn’t show my future. It began with one of my all-time favorite bands : AudioSlave, went into some random royalty free music I use for editing videos (naturally I skipped those), went into Kanye West, Rick Ross, Classical Piano, and The Black Keys.

Black Keys won the shuffle.

I began packing yesterday and am continuing today. I finally fly to my moms house tomorrow night and I have plenty of sweats, tank tops, and sarongs for the trip I hope to take afterwards. I can’t wait to hug my dog again.


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