12.16.2015. Sacramento, ca. Personal Update
I’ve been lost in a melancholic reverie for the last two days. There comes a point in time where you just can’t stomach the idea of living at home again especially if you come from a broken one full of family members with a bunch of mental issues of their own. It’s also frightening to see my own issues manifest in them and feeling the contagiousness of it all.
Family was meant to serve as a backbone for all members in it, unless said family is completely full of shit. Like the type that disowns their kids when their partner isn’t the right skin color or gender. Or the type that abandons their kids so they can go smoke crack in the alley.
I’m a lucky one that comes from a family that would never allow me to be homeless or hungry, however I still feel the same lack of support that others feel. As I grow older I see that the lack is not stemming from a negative place, but more so from my family’s lack of experience in everything I envision for my own life and I’ve learned to take it with a grain of salt and be on my merry way.
It led me to become strong minded.
There’s so much love pouring from the heart of my Mother and Grandmother, and my younger siblings have shown me how to be a positive older sister for them. It’s great to know that I am giving them something to look up to and aspire to be, because although I do have an older brother and although my whore of a father left me on this earth with 8 other sisters, not one of those siblings ever offered anything for me to look up to.
None of them offered me the support I needed. Rarely even a conversation. And my father, God rest his soul, didn’t exactly leave behind the image of the type of man I would ever want in my life.
This post is sounding really negative but it’s nearly impossible to ask a person to share their truth without encountering any real life problems such as this. I do believe that I am in the right direction by seeing things this way. In the past, I viewed myself as just very unlucky with all of the life circumstances I had to face growing up, but I realize now in my mid twenties that I’ve been playing the hell out of the cards I’ve been dealt.
And I continue to do so.
As a black woman, statistics says that my life in retrospect was supposed to leave me as a teen mom, high school drop out, possibly diseased and on welfare with a butt load of “baby daddies” by this point but instead I am a successful chef, writer and traveler. Financially savvy, unmarried, childless, and ambitious. I have managed to achieve most of my dreams at a young age and I still look good if I do say so myself. And the amazing part of it is, I coached MYSELF on how to get here. I guided MYSELF on how to be this woman.
This is success for me. We all have to define our own.
This rocky journey I’ve lived is destined to serve a higher purpose. Whether it’s to become a great mother to a future family or to continuously serve as a role model for whoever finds me or draws inspiration from me whether I know of it or not. I’ve wanted nothing more but to escape from and to break the cycle.
&I’m already there.