I’ve been waking up on the wrong side of the bed. The last two days have been spent emotional and fighting with the old demons who decide to pop up in the middle of the night. Now its the morning after and I’m feeling a bit hungover and swollen in the face from it’s abuse. The hypnosis therapy I stumbled across helped to clear me out and put me to bed for the night, but I was later told to be careful because I just might end up sleep walking or entering other dimensions. People are afraid of everything, other dimensions seem ideal.
Sacramento, California is known as the City of Trees and with it’s many parks and close proximity to the river wherever you live, it is easy to find a place of solitude to relax in and vibe out with the birds. The sunsets are calming against the flat valley, the winter wind refreshingly cold, and the overall quiet on my side of town can either offer you bliss from your troubles or insanity from boredom.
When I lived here, I would cycle through the trails to Discovery Park, or swing a left to downtown. Barreling through the trees off trail towards turquoise lagoons, and green rivers speckled with gold flakes. Hanging out early in the morning with jack rabbits, skunk families and deer. Watching the homeless vagabonds bathing and swimming in the river, while others lay asleep or reading in their kayaks.
On New Year’s day I found this little nook of a park a short walk away from the house and let my dog run around leash-free for a bit while I watched the sunset. It immediately became my place. A quiet little haven to escape the stressors of this visit home that has lasted entirely too long. I’m not sure what I was thinking when I decided to stay for one month but I’ve now grown homesick for my own space and vibration.
Discouragement and confusion crept up on me this New Year and I didn’t have the chance to say goodbye to the optimism that stayed behind. My mind insisted on taking me down the rabbit hole instead, which in turn pressures me to keep doing the things it says I suck at, and getting out into nature and fresh air so that it won’t win. Depression is an insidious little demon that likes to interrupt us in the midst of our momentum only to whisper of how good we are not and how fast we are going nowhere.
I’d love to simply shoot her in the face once and for all, but I remain conscious of how long it can take for us to unlearn everything we’ve been directly and indirectly taught of how to be, how to feel, and how to express.
And how much more time it can take to rebuild ourselves of our own design.